5 Things to Pay Attention to if You Want to Know Someone’s True Character

#2: Their spending habits, not their earnings.

Ever gone on a date only to come back home and think:

‘’I have no idea what they’re really like’’?

Same here.

One of the guys I dated was the opposite — he was convinced after just one date that I was the love of his life.

The thing is: you can’t conclude after one date what someone is really like. It takes time to get to know someone. But the problem isn’t time.

We are the problem. We are quick to jump to conclusions. We often don’t allow ourselves time to get to know someone because our first impressions overpower us. Whenever we meet someone new, we want to present our best selves. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes anxiety takes over. In both cases, we’re not showing our true selves.

What’s our problem? We’re all asking each other the wrong questions. In the corporate world, we ask questions like:

• What’s your biggest achievement?

• Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

• What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Blah. Enough with this crap. We’re all glorifying ourselves and wasting each other’s time. You never get the right impression of someone when you make other people feel like they have to impress you.

We need better questions. Questions that dig into people’s values and priorities. Questions that leave room for honesty and vulnerability. That’s the only way we can judge someone’s character.

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to help you make sense of what someone’s character is really like.

‘’Your first impression of a thing sets up your subsequent beliefs. If the company looks inept to you, you may assume everything else they do is inept.’’

— Daniel Kahneman

1. How they spend their time (and with who)

When you meet someone new, you might be tempted to ask first what they do for a living.

I’m quick to move on to how people spend their time outside of work. Even their breaks between work intrigue me. Do they grab their phones? Do they socialize? Do they go outside for a walk or read a book? What they do outside of work says a lot about their priorities.

You can also tell a lot about someone by looking at who they spend their time with. What are their friends and family like? What values and priorities do they have? We’re all social creations wired to mimic each other to feel a sense of belonging.

Things get really interesting when you ask people questions about how they would like to spend their time. How do they feel about the things they do in their free time? What do they want to do more of? Is there something that stops them from doing what they want to do? Is there something they’d like to do less? Ideally, they have answers to all these questions — it signals that you’re dealing with someone who is self-aware.

2. How they spend their money

We can exclude our colleagues here. But if you’re dating someone, you should pay attention to their spending habits.

We tend to obsess over how much someone makes rather than what they spend it on.

Big mistake.

People’s spending habits tell you so much more about their priorities (and tell you everything you need to know about their financial awareness).

Why would you be impressed by someone who makes 6 figures only to spend it on buying things to impress other people? Be impressed by the median salary worker buying non-fiction books, organic food, and planning holidays with loved ones. They’re the ones who prioritize self-growth, health, and relationships.

Stop caring how much someone makes. Look at what they spend their money on and find out if there’s a clear why behind their purchases.

‘’It’s not the answer that enlightens, but the question.’’

— Eugene Ionesco

3. The type of information they consume

The quality of your mind is shaped by what you consume.

This dictates everything — how you respond to emotions, how you perceive the world, and the kind of conversations you engage in.

I’ve experienced this firsthand. My previous relationship ended the moment my ex-boyfriend started consuming toxic masculinity content (Andrew Tate, anyone?). It was a downward spiral. He’d jump from one video to the other, listening to masculinity gurus talking about how women only date ‘up’. He consumed videos that ridiculed modern women. He started to believe that all modern women are delusional. I had to be a stay-at-home wife so he’d become a top 1% man.

The information you consume can empower you, but it can also destroy you. Be mindful of what people choose to consume. Do they feed their minds with nurturing thoughts and new ways of looking at the world? Or do they choose cheap dopamine produced by mindless scrolling?

4. How they behave when they have a bad day

The rawest version of us comes to the surface when we feel tired, stressed, or pressured.

You don’t fully know a person if you only encounter them whenever they have a good day.

What happens on a bad day? How do they cope with stress? Do they take it out on others? Do they resort to bad habits like drinking? Or do they take a moment to wind down and gain clarity?

It’s these crucial moments that tell you a lot about someone’s coping mechanisms and how (un)healthy they are.

5. How invested they are in their hobbies and relationships

Long-term people play long-term games. Short-term people play short-term games. That’s why you should pay attention to how invested people are in their hobbies and relationships.

Do they have a friend they’ve known for years? Are they committed to a sport or a hobby?

Disclaimer: You can outgrow hobbies and people. It’s normal. You should eliminate what doesn’t serve you and focus on what helps you grow.

I don’t have a lot of friends, but they have been in my life for more than 10 years. And guess what? If a friendship lasts longer than 7 years, psychologists say it will last a lifetime. :)

When people are committed to something or someone for years, it’s a huge green flag. It signals loyalty, hard work, and discipline.

“Play long-term games with long-term people. All returns in life, whether in wealth, relationships, or knowledge, come from compound interest’’

— Naval Ravikant

Final thoughts

We have a first impression bias integrated into us. We’re quick to judge. According to the 7/11 rule, we form 11 impressions of a person in just 7 seconds — and vice versa.

What’s worse, people don’t often change their initial impressions. It’s just how our brains work. It’s optimized to conserve energy and doesn’t want to bother to re-evaluate.

We’re all prone to jump to conclusions. That’s why we need to remember 2 things:

• It takes time to figure out what someone is really like. You can’t expect to get to know a person overnight. That’s why I have established a ‘second date’ rule: if the date was ‘just okay’ (a 6 on a scale of 10), I’ll go on another date with them.

• You don’t fully know someone unless you’ve witnessed them in various circumstances and with different people.

Don’t limit yourself to first impressions. Form your opinion based on multiple impressions. And ask the right questions.